January 1, 2021
Today is the day we've been waiting for.
Good bye 2020 and all you held.
We can agree, I believe, that change is reliable, the one thing that is definite for 2021. Some changes just happen, as a natural course, while with other changes we want more say. We actively seek change in certain areas: one's weight comes to mind on this most popular day of the year to decide to diet and/or start an exercise routine.
The change I want to see is this:
I want to be confident and comfortable with my own visibility.
...Do I really? (NOooooo-yes) As I write this and mull it over (Truly there is no mulling. I am terrified.), as I mull this over I am questioning my resolve. It seemed like the right idea on December 1st. ("I’ll call it, this new wildly successful internet sensation, 'If I weren’t afraid, I would…' I will challenge and share about a fear a day, one a month? a week? Others will relate!") With distance came confidence. Now that it's January 1st, there is no distance. It's go time, and it’s just me and you, or really me and me. This is a battle within. My demons look like you but they are all my creations: what you think of me, my writing, how I look. I’ve already decided. My inner panel of judges awaits nothing. The jury is in.
I made up my mind many years ago that the world is a scary place and that I need to control my little slice of it and remain in the shadows to be safe. That’s a hard reality for a visual artist to live. ("REMAIN IN THE SHADOWS!" shout my ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.) And so, no more. It’s killing me, or if not me (truly, me), certainly my art career.
So this is On Becoming Visible. It’s my journey to fully embrace that which makes me want to hide my soul. I want to live in full sun (or maybe partly cloudy, or possibly completely overcast). But not in the shadows. Come along if you want and see where this journey takes us.